Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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