she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
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I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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