he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.