remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
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I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
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She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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