Apparently you make a good broom.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
