I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
