why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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