i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Randomize
