I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I will pee on everything he values.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I can't put those talents on a resume
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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