He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
