By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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