I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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