Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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