Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
