She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
