Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
