nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
