I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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