Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
