Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
