My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
