Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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