Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
