A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
