i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
