apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
