PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
