giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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