Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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