i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
