The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
