I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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