Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
