Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
