i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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