I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
