you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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