my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
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When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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