my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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