The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
