Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
