NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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