She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
two words: eviction party
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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