Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
