tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
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That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
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I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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