I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
