I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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