Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
