My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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