We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
