So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
