There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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