if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
