I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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