You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
