I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My vagina just recognized that song.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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