i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
