so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
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