He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
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you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
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The uberlube is also flammable
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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