when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Randomize
