these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
